Men: How to be more assertive in 5 simple ways!
Assertiveness is the act of speaking your mind in a calm and direct manner. It is simply bridging the gap between passive and aggressive, Being assertive is a quality that many men lack, but yet inspires confidence. Here are some tips to become more assertive.
1. Start Small
Rome wasn’t built in a day. In the same way that a skyscraper is built one level at a time, your level of assertiveness is something you will have to build up slowly over time. Begin with simple steps, like speaking up if you are dissatisfied with something. If your waiter brings you the wrong side dish, let him know. If you take your car to a mechanic for an oil change and it begins making a strange sound, don’t be afraid to let him know and get it corrected. It’s important for you to begin, in your own mind, putting yourself first because, if you don’t, no one else will.
As men, we often like to think that we can control and manipulate every variable in a given situation. This is simply not the case, as we really only have a small area of control in our daily lives. However, if we have, let’s say 5% of full control over what happens in our lives, it’s important to use that 5% to its fullest capacity by influencing our situation as much as possible.
2. Non-Reactivity
As important as making an impact where you see fit is knowing where making a change isn’t your responsibility at all. You should be assertive when things come up that are your responsibility, so that you’re able to change the scenario to benefit you. However, when things are outside of your control, it’s best to realize this and practice a more stoic approach. Many people confuse being aggressive with being assertive, when they couldn’t be further from each other. Being aggressive is all about puffing your chest out and winning at all costs, not worrying about how it could affect others. Assertiveness is standing up for yourself and others in a calm, positive manner, usually with the intention of not only benefiting yourself, but everyone involved in a given situation.
A huge part of creating this calm and thoughtful presence is training yourself to be non-reactive. In my experience, it’s always better to be proactive rather than reactive. Being proactive is about eliminating an issue or influencing a situation before it has a chance to surface. Being reactive, on the other hand, puts you in a situation where you’re now on your back foot, having to quickly come up with a solution to an issue you were not expecting. Non-reactivity also includes the trait of stoicism, or not showing feeling or emotion. Now I’m not saying to become emotion-less or to not have feelings. Quite the contrary. It’s important to feel and express emotion when the time is right, but that time is not in the middle of a heated debate between a colleague, or even worse, your boss. If you’re able to display a level of non-reactivity in these situations, it can bode well for you by showing that you are unaffected by their attitude, or even their threats.
Here’s a great article written by MindForLife, which gets into this a little bit more deeply.
3. Take Accountability
A huge part of being assertive is understanding the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. Being assertive usually involves saying the words “I feel” or “I think”, rather than saying something like “you always…” or “you never…”. The former is a more confident approach, you’re putting your thoughts and ideas into the world, thus putting yourself into the world. When you try to ascertain other people’s motives and opinions, you make yourself look weak because it makes it look like your actions are in reaction to another person. Being assertive is a trait of a confident man, and a confident man would not be rattled by the thoughts and opinions of others.
4. Stand Your Ground
If you don’t achieve something on your first try, don’t give up. In today’s society, we have seemed to forget that failure is a major part of success. If one bump in the road is enough for you to stop trying, you have to look deeper within yourself to see if that is really the path for you. Of course not everything will go to plan, that’s part of the journey, but when you have supreme confidence in yourself and truly know what you want, there is very little that could stop you from achieving this goal. In life, people will try to walk over you to get to where they think they want to be in life. They do this because 99% of people will allow them to. Be the 1%. Step out on faith and speak what’s on your mind, because if you have nothing else, you always have your opinion.
For more on never giving up, please read our How to Become The Man You want to be article here.
5. Be Decisive
All of these tips are helpful, and important in your journey to becoming a more assertive man, but they are nearly useless if you don’t consciously make the decision to be more assertive. You have to commit to no longer being passive, aggressive, or the dreaded mixture of the two, passive-aggressive. You can start practicing today. Start making definite decisions, speak directly and impactfully, and stay calm in the face of chaos. It’s not a change that will happen overnight but, over time, if you are able to implement a tiny amount of change every day you will see a huge difference.
Everyone wants more confidence, but not everyone has a clear idea of how to create that sense of confidence and assertiveness in their own lives. Finding a balance between being submissive and dominant is the key here, as you don’t want to be walked over, but you also don’t want to be the one walking over people. Start by taking responsibility for your thoughts and actions, and using the power of “I”. When you say “I…” you are solely conveying your thoughts and opinions of yourself and your outlook on the situation. This way, you are not alienating anyone else, and simply stating your beliefs and desired outcome. Pair this with the other 5 tips, and you’ll be well on your way to becoming that assertive and confident man you want to be!
